“If She Wants to Spend the Rest of Her Life With Batman…”

by admin on May 25, 2011

Season after season, I continue to torture myself by tuning in to and/or OnDemanding episodes of the Bachelorette. This season features Ashley Hebert as the girl looking for love and she seems super cute, which is why I don’t understand why the fuck she needs to go on ABC to find a man. She has a good job, dances as a hobby, is attractive and seems like a genuine, sweet girl. So why not date a bunch of clowns on national television? ::sigh::

I love that before the show even starts, there’s already drama with this Bentley character. Oh weird, someone on the show is there solely to be a douche? Out of 25 guys who agreed to ‘fall in love’ in front of the nation? Surprise! In other news, some other dude tried to rape your mouth within the first 2 minutes of meeting you and someone else tied pink dental floss around your finger. Your future-hubby is definitely right around the corner.

I also love that this is apparently the only show that OnDemand won’t let me fast forward through. It’s like murder by bad television. I’m almost afraid I’m going to wake up in the middle of the night as my TV turns itself on and then all the sudden my eyes are pried open and OMG some fuckstick is singing this broad a song on the ukulele and PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP BLOOD IS POURING OUT OF MY¬† FACIAL ORIFICES.

Some of the guys seemed really nice. One guy lost the love of his life after she had an epileptic seizure and drowned in the bathtub. Good job, ABC. Way to find the most horrifying tragedy imaginable and then exploit that person’s loss. No worries, though. He’ll be eliminated in the 7th episode instead of some guy who’s banging the executive producer. Also, WHY IS THIS GUY WEARING A MASK?? Spoiler alert: he’s Batman.

In the end, I wish I could have my own rose ceremony where I pin one on all the network shows that are worth keeping around. I’d love to say that I’d send The Bachelorette home, but I’d probably keep it around like this twat is going to keep Bentley til the season finale in Fiji. What can I say? We girls can easily be deceived by appearances and false hope and then before you know it, you’re alone in your bed with a bucket of Ben & Jerry’s and Totino’s pizza rolls, watching bad t.v.

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